Friday, November 17, 2006

I couldn't sleep last night.

I couldn't sleep last night. I ended up going into a different room and watching saved by the bell until I was too exhausted to think, then finally slept. I didn't get up until a few minutes ago, at 11AM.

There was a "battle of the mind" going on last night, and I was losing it. Many doubts were placed into my head from a couple of conversations. Big doubts and questions, like:

"am I crazy?",
"is this God thing for real?",
"am I ever going to be able to live a normal life?",
"do I want a normal life?",
"is my crazy, God driven life even possible?"
"will my crazy, God driven life even be meaningful to others or will I always just be that weird kid who refuses to get a career like a normal person?"

This was overwhelming at 3AM when all I wanted was sleep. I prayed a little, but that was almost just reinforcing my doubts. I tried reading, but I had no book that addresses the issue of self-worth, no book that says "you're doing a good job, keep it up", no book that can either take away all my worries, or at least give me the strength to face them.

At 3AM my only hope was distraction. So that's what I went for, and it sort of worked. But now, in daylight, are those thoughts still valid? One thing I know about this crazy, God driven life, is that it's not going to be easy.

Atleast I can hold on to the fact that I am not taking the easy way out, as some accuse me of doing. This is the hard way, a challenge. Way harder than simply living life with a career, etc. For me, that would be the easy way out. I don't mind working, getting payed, being able to pay my bills, that actually is a good feeling. Working, paying taxes, contributing to society -- it's all great! Yet I have this horrid thing, a calling, which I cannot run away from. I've tried. And I know that when I am pursuing God, and this crazy life he's given me, there is no greater joy that can be had.

I'm going to go shower now.

this is my Father's garden, i will not be moved
this is my Father's garden, i will not be moved
this is my Father's garden, give it up to you
this is my Father's garden, i will not be moved
elias gatti - flowers for algernon


Keldog said...

hey drew! so proud of you for watching saved by the bell when nothing else will work!! HAHA i love Zack Morris! but even more seriously, if it's any consolation, i know you're going after what you're supposed to be doing! it's all fine and dandy thinking about it, but once you start taking the steps toward what God is calling you to, all the crap comes flying in your face. the doubt creeps in and you wonder if you're even supposed to be doing this at all. but for real, He's put this desire, passion, longing, w/in you for a reason! How could you ever do anything less? He knows what you need and i pray that He'll continually be near to you, showing you Himself and HIS ways. they're so above our understanding! i'm missin' ya man! skype soon??

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Kansas City, Missouri, United States
I'm a full-time lover of Jesus. I work, learn, and pray at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City. I live simple, and seek God with all my heart.

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